1. Type the words “I’m going to lose weight!” Did you feel that? That was the sound of a pound being magically lifted off your body. It’s really that easy, hon!
2. According to Jennifer Aniston, the secret to losing weight is vitamin E exposure and smiling a whole lot. So there you go. Go smile manically in the sun for thirty minutes a day and emerge with a hot new body. If you don’t live somewhere with a warm climate, seriously consider moving.
3. Looking at pictures of your ex who got fat burns 60 calories per click. It’s scientifically proven.
4. Looking at kale and saying “I have a gluten allergy” to a mirror three times a day burns, like five Carnie Wilsons a minute.
5. Live in Los Angeles or New York and see how much you still want that extra slice of pizza.
6. Cry. Like…
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