1. Your hair isn’t in my face and therefore I can’t smell it, which isn’t as creepy as it sounds right now.
2. Your body heat isn’t providing all the warmth I need, thus requiring me to add several blankets to my bed. I will have to launder these blankets, which will waste water and anger my Laundromat lady. I’ve been on thin ice with her ever since I attempted to wash what she inexplicably referred to as “old rubber’s rug.”
3. My back doesn’t lightly touch your back in that particular way that’s better than or at least can feel more intimate than spooning. What I’m trying to say is don’t believe the hype about spooning.
4. If a murderer came in I would have to attempt to fight them off myself.
5. You’d miss the opportunity to learn how polite I can be during a home invasion.
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