1. You talk about other guys and he gets weird. Just weird.
2. No matter the time or the place—you two could have just bumped into each other at a bar at 7pm—at the drop of a hat, he will go home with you to smoke.
3. Every time he gets drunk he tells you he loves you and makes shit awkward.
4. You bump into each other at the train station—he’s going uptown, you’re going downtown. He hops on your train.
5. You are Drake and your guy friend is Amanda Bynes.
6. He buys you anything—that means a drink, a coffee, a single ride metro card. Anything.
7. When he takes out his wallet, he makes sure you notice the magnum condom (“for decorative purposes only”) peeping out.
8. He shows immense concern when, and only when, you develop a food allergy and as a result your face…
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